So, for the past few days, I have been... in denial, delusions, and discomfort. Whether I'm with Dennis or not, I still have to remember what's going on with my body. Memphis emergency care is so fucking stupid. They give you vague information concerning your health, and leave you with notes telling you to visit your physician in a certain amount of days. They have this awful policy to get you from the ER waiting room, to a patient care room in less than 25 minutes or they give you a gift card for $25. Sounds great to the naked eye, but their care for you is shit because their focus is on the numbers not necessities. I miss you Texas.
Anyway, I am in the process of a miscarriage... does anyone fucking know what that means? I'm like, "Am I fucking pregnant or not?!" I keep going from excitement to depression, anxiety to frustration. Dennis can't stay away or stop talking about Travis. Its like, WTF we are in the mist of loosing our child and you are focused on Travis and ya'lls hobby... I dont know why I'm talking like I'm surprised... It is what it is... but, I dont want to loose hope in myself of myself. Instead of hopping up and leaving, which is what I am sadly a perfectionist in, I am going to stay in Memphis and build a stable foundation for Brooke and I. I hate to seem faithless, but I dont believe the child I am holding is going to make it's full term, and its not as if I have his father's full support. I mean honestly, he was more excited telling me where Travis paid his cell phone bill, rather than the doctor's appointment or focus on getting health insurance. With this being said... since Thursday, I've been more involved in the University of Memphis's School Of Business... I'm thinking about enrolling part time there and doing full time at Cricket so I can get a bachelor's while moving into a house... every nurse, and physician I see is telling me I'm loosing this baby due to stress. If only they knew what I was stressing about. But then again, I can only blame myself for staying here. I know its because I love him. But with what he is doing... it wont be long before I have love for him.
Strangely, Ebbi texted me the other night telling me about her slutty friend who is most likely sleeping with her boyfriend. I told her I could handle worrying if Dennis is sleeping with a woman... lucky her... she asked me how to get over him... this is what I texted her:
"Let him go... you dont have to do it now... just start drawing your attention towards something else... start a hobby that takes up most of your time where you distract yourself but make money... and go shopping for things that make you feel better... you'll start attracting others and forget about him..."
Its working for her... well sort of... her new hobby is taking care of the friend who she accuse is sleeping with Chris, her boyfriend. I'm sure this will work itself out... but she is Ebbi's distraction. I plan to do the same, but with College and Cricket ... I think that will workout easier, and hopefully Dennis will catch on and leave me... honestly, I love him always as though there is no tomorrow, but I love Brooke, Embryo (the unborn child's name until something happens), and myself as though there are no Heaven and Earth... and I believe we deserve true love. Not a love that will be a "survival face" until he finally feels comfortable with whatever he decides.
By The Way, have you ever listened to classical... you should, and your first artist should be Andreas M. Wolter... Amazing... this is better than any pop or house music I have ever listened to... its like, it takes you away from what's going on, you can't help but drown into your imagination, and leave your surroundings, and if you are like me, that can't come any easier and faster.
Good Night You Guys
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