#TinyWin1

Finding the answers through research without bothering your boss

Admire69

Have you ever admire someone from a far?
Couldnt make sense why you wouldnt raise your own bar?
Feeling intimadated because you never met a man so passionate
So you play it koo, hoping he approach or bump you on accident
He doesnt speak with his words, but his actions
Feeling threatened because another could come snatch him
Day dreaming about saying the right  words
And pairing them with rhythm in your reckless curves
Until you wake up from such serenity
And realize its not the words he looks, for its the King in me

Elephant In The Room

Sometimes, I want to confront... my family and say im not apart of them; tell them I never was and never will be. Im not going to lie, I do get lonely. I want the support, understanding and unconditional love promised and dedicated to me as a child. I tend to think, sometimes it would be best that I leave and never come back, stay out of Mamas' life so that I dont confuse her and her emotions, or destroy any other hope and trust left in her heart. A thousand times I thought of ways to fake my death so that she could move on and not ever be interrupted by my presence,  but one day... one day she will want to know why I hid in the shadows; why I left and allowed her Aunties and Granny raise her. I never fit in... and my opinions never mattered; my money was never good enough, taste expensive enough, and action pure enough. Im not an Alpough, Roach, or Howard. And although all this may be true, im proud not to be. Im proud to be strange, unexplained,  and misunderstood. When she is confused at heart, I can say I understand and when her heart is not broken, but shattered, and the decisions she made seems disgusting,  I can say I've truly been there. When everyone not only turn their backs, run their lips, and fold their welcomed arms, I want to be there to say I am here. Because im Brooke's mommy, and no matter the rumors, empty prayer commitments,  and brown noses, I will be there when she needs me the most; not always when she wants me the most.

Reality v.s Wishful Thinking

Things are becoming difficult. I dont have any money, appropriate clothes, and patience. Well, my patience is lasting, but as for money and clothes... im dying here. I need to get a job, but its difficult with the options I have. I could go to Dress for Success. They are generous when it comes to clothes and may be able to direct me towards the light of employment. There are plenty of jobs in Houston, I just need the resources to get them. Here's a list of things I'm working towards;
Transportation- I dont mind riding the bus, I just need bus fare without asking my grandmother. Receiving her help entitles her to talk to me and Brooke with disrespect. My plan to conquer this issue is, charities and workforce solution centers, I might do better with charities.
Clothes/Shoes- Dress for Success seems like my best option. I know I have to go by appointment, so I plan to set that up for next week.
Hair- This natural kick isn't for the poor, I need a perm and/or weave...

Now that I know what I need, its time to execute...

Irritating Morning

Im so irritated for no reason. I think its because im... wanting ... I wanna have sex. I dont want to use the internet, men that approach me are ... not my type, and my type are... usually a undercover. Terrible?  I know... but thats why condoms are inforced. Casual sex seems suitable. One person who I occasionally contact for affection.
Besides that issue, I need my own space. I want to be able to close my eyes and relax... im trying to get use to having #METIME for two hours before I get sleepy.
Working for Mrs. Duckens, formerly known as Mrs. Brown, is slow. On top of that im not getting paid for months from now probably. She hasn't received her grant for service and operations. On top of that, I feel as though I will have to kiss Mr. Duckens ass to keep my job. Last time she said he wouldnt really be involved, but he was at the building torturing the adolescent clients through his witching aged, bullfrog built daughter, gossip stirring granddaughter, and demon founded repeat of the bible scriptures. I prefer not ever seeing that man for as long as I work, or be mentored by Mrs. Duckens.

I Can Take Care Of You Baby

Old horny men disgust me. On the way home from writing my appeal, I met the father of Marco... this dude was the finest man walking to me. Unfortunately, I was invisible to him. He hung out with Kierra'em so I was pretty much finding my own friends. Anyway, long story short. He was shot by this really quiet guy who, to my understanding, did it out of desperation and drugs. That was about... eight years ago.
On the way home, I was hit on by Marco's dad, Marco Anthony... I forgot his last name, but apparently Marco was a junior, so that's how I'm going to separate the two. Now Big Marco, explained to me how he slept with Shunteria (Surprised... not really), some chic that was Brooke's cheerleading teacher, my Aunt Debbie (Surprised... not really), and some dude name Nat, wife. He boasted how he paid bills, did favors, all for sexual favors... a trick... he was proud to be a trick. I kept trying to keep the conversation on his son and how great he was... but he was insisting on sleeping with me... the guy made me sick... riding the bus and running into men like this is overwhelming... I would like to be able to stay focus without the temptation... honestly,  the temptation isn't the men, its the money. I know if I use the men I can be on my feet in no time. But ... the baggage of all the lies and manipulation... its not worth it. I want to start saying I'm gay, but your tongue speak life and death, and God knows my heart is weak. I am becoming colder to men though. Its as if Dennis's abuse and negligence made me realize being alone an't so bad, and best of all, it froze my heart from allowing anymore lies and other manipulation to enter. So old man Marco, Brandon, and Ellis just waste their time... I don't have anymore room to give a man, just enough to take.

2+2=2

Teaching my duaghter Math isn't hard, its teaching her in my grandmother's presence. She feels as though tutoring for ten minutes is enough. Tutor in elementary is thirty minutes a day. The worst part, my grandmother agreed to thirty minutes. Its very frustrating because Brooke is fully capable of learning lessons in thirty minutes. This could be an awesome routine to start. Tomorrow, I plan to take her into her room without the tv on, and practicing her addition for thirty minutes. My grandmother can stay in the living with her tv and have no reason to disrupt us. If she has advice, she can wait for us to take a break after fifteen minutes and tell me what she thinks.
I am trying to raise Brooke without disrespecting my grandmother's wishes, but damn its hard. Yesterday, she told Brooke to shut up and I asked her not to. I reminded her that she never hears me tell Brooke shut up because it is disrespectful. She replies, "Well, she disrespected me". I reminded her that's why discipline should be in forced. She got even more upset and said putting Brooke in the corner was abusive. I told my grandmother the corner us best to not use spanking tactics. I explained that I rather her go to the corner for five minutes, then explain to me why she went to corner and why its not safe, respectful or has bad consequences. After I try the corner, and if she is still hard headed, spanking her on her butt with my hand is the next step.
No I don't believe I am a perfect parent, but I am learning. I'm sure these tactics wont always work and I will have to consult with counselors for healthier tactics when she is a preteen-teenager. God have mercy on me...

My Car? Your Conspiracy...

So, is it now strange that Dennis wife calls and say Dennis will apologize and then I receive a email from him saying he dropped off my car... amazing... in my heart, I'm not a fool. I know better to believe her "complete innocence" and driven desire to be granted a divorce after not seeing him but he's in Atlanta,  not far at all from where you stay. Whatever... I want to say I'm happy I got my car back, but I highly doubt Temi will let me keep it... there's so much ... tension and tiresome from the Memphis drama. But finally Dennis is gone.
Now lets talk about what I discovered at school today. Phlebotomy is just a spec of fairy-dust in Never Never Land. I want Never Never Land. Even if I have to conquer it piece by piece.  I'm going to complete the Medical Assistant Program. This is just the beginning. But for now, I'm focusing on step one; convincing the school i understand that this is not an over night process. I sat and waited for the Executive Admissions Administrator to leave from her meeting that never seemed to end. Finally, the security guard gave me her email out of pity that I sat and waited for so long. The determination isn't... enough. The hunger has turned into denial, and as unhealthy as this maybe, I refuse to be turned down or ignored. This damn community college is going to make this balance obsolete,  and grant me my education. I have nothing else to loose, too much time to juggle,  and energy to burn... better believe I feel confident in wasting all of this on enrolling into college. I mean, honestly,  I did waste it on a pirate love boat, coasting the river of denial...

You Love Me?

So... today I am determined to get back into school. I agreed that HCC will due and I want to complete a course in the medical field where I can grow. With that  being said, my first obstacle was Brandon. He was getting on the bus to go to work. He boasted about his new job at the court house, their requirements and offers. I asked about his family and he gave me a run of everyone. All seemed well and different until he mentioned his birthday. He wanted me to go to a hotel... motel with him, alcohol, and weed. Damn, I was honestly a bit disgusted because with his new opportunity at the City of Houston court house, I expected changes. But, I noticed the red flag and decided he wasn't worth rekindling. Once I got to the school, I ran into Ellis; a long term sweetheart from five years ago. Long story short, he still does the same things but just a different way. Red Flag...
I don't want to be a stuck up bitch. .. but I don't want to allow anymore destruction in my life. Ellis kept repeating his self saying he loved me but he cant have sex with me... I just let him explain his self. I really felt like he was convincing his self. I never once mentioned sex, or being intimately involved... today was just weird, all the ex's, obstacles and ... I forgot about the random phone call from Dennis wife. Why can't he just disappear out my life the way he took my car. I mean, his wife was trying to convince me he was going to email me an apology and his new girl was going to call me. I just want to walk forward, without his leash around my neck. Is that too much?

Routine

So... I am trying to be the parent to Mamas. To my understanding, there are no clear ways of being taught how to be a parent. Its... a natural reaction. At least that's what Mrs. B said, my mentor. With this being said, I am trying to bring in routes. Granny and I agree that 7:30- 8:00 pm is the perfect time for her to go to sleep on a school night, and 9:30 on weekends. Koo... I'm no longer worried about pleasing Granny... just... appeasing her rules while I am under her house hold. The routine I am thinking of starts at 5am and ends at 8:30pm on weekdays, and I'm not quite sure about weekends yet. I want to start a relaxing yet, inspirational workout in the mornings right before I wake Mamas, so that my day starts with energy, and end the day in a calm meditation that stretches my muscles and mind. I also need to improve my breathing and endurance,  because my body can't hold my weight.
I believe my routine will also introduce balance to Mamas and I relationship. I want her to understand I am her mother and mentor, not best friend. Right now, due to being goofy and friendly... I stirred her into seeing me as a playmate. I don't mean to be mean, but I am trying to restructure our relationship into the firm yet, flexible love that I didnt receive from my mom. Unfortunately, yes, I am depending on the parenting lessons taught in foster care, the Cosby Show, and  experience as a roaring teen to guide me towards the light; LOL.
I'm really looking forward to attending classes for cooking, yoga, parenting, home economics, basically anything that will make me a more independent, efficient and reliable human being. I realized I wont ever be the gold arch in my family's eyes, but to be able to conquer all that I manipulated, broken and burned without that bridge of support would be a complete understatement.

"You Didnt Listen To My Advice Before You Left"

Everyone wanted to know why I don't ... appreciate my grandmother. But that's not the issue. I gladly appreciate her for raising my child while I am ... growing, I just don't appreciate her gossip, and spreading "advice" to others, and leave me with "You didnt take my advice before you left, so I'm not giving you advice." Why speak? Why regard me to others, why ask for random prayers if you, yourself tell me you have no interest in issues and find me to be a "lifetime movie". In my heart, I realize I am alone. I'm not hurt about it, I actually like it. Dennis and remarks from my grandmother reminds me of the comfort I had succeeded in April 2013, when I had my apartment, job at Cricket, and all the time in the world to myself. Does it make me selfish to love the life and liberty of loneliness? Before, then I complained and went looking, and believe me... I found something. Something just as selfish and cruel as the thoughts I played with. But I know now.
The painful ordeal is, I can only blame myself. But with experience comes expectations,  standards, and faith. I once put all my faith in a man... forgetting the true God that held my hand and blessed me. He loved me so much that He didnt forsaken me, He just allowed me to endure and learn that the paths I choose are not what's best for me.
My plans are to start from the bottom,  and I mean one pair of pants, about six shirts, five pair of panties, and a pair of boots. I just have to keep telling myself I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I remember when one door closes, its only because another one is open and I just have to find that door.

What If

Due to feeling plenty of shame, senseless, and self worthlessness;  I went back to Texas. I'm not very proud of how I left, due to it being so sudden, unnoticeable, and unforgiving; but I needed help physically, and mentally. Though my journey in Memphis was long and the feelings, good and bad, are everlasting, I grew into a woman. To me, its funny, because I am now quiet and watching my surroundings,  and everyone is waiting on me to speak irrationally, but I am a lost for words. I left Texas with every material thing that made me independent, and came back withering away like sand. But, like sand, I am too great to deteriorate, scattered across the earth, not lost, not stretched thin, but thick, grand, and used to create, guard, mold, and shelter.
This is how I explain why I stayed in a sadistic relationship. I believed I could create a new man, guard him from his past, mold his present, and shelter him from any pain. Though I did do as I planned, I was misunderstood, beaten, stolen, and broken.

It will never happen again...

Best Advice Ever!!!

So, for the past few days, I have been... in denial, delusions, and discomfort. Whether I'm with Dennis or not, I still have to remember what's going on with my body. Memphis emergency care is so fucking stupid. They give you vague information concerning your health, and leave you with notes telling you to visit your physician in a certain amount of days. They have this awful policy to get you from the ER waiting room, to a patient care room in less than 25 minutes or they give you a gift card for $25. Sounds great to the naked eye, but their care for you is shit because their focus is on the numbers not necessities. I miss you Texas.
Anyway, I am in the process of a miscarriage... does anyone fucking know what that means? I'm like, "Am I fucking pregnant or not?!" I keep going from excitement to depression,  anxiety to frustration.  Dennis can't stay away or stop talking about Travis. Its like, WTF we are in the mist of loosing our child and you are focused on Travis and ya'lls hobby... I dont know why I'm talking like I'm surprised... It is what it is... but, I dont want to loose hope in myself of myself. Instead of hopping up and leaving, which is what I am sadly a perfectionist in, I am going to stay in Memphis and build a stable foundation for Brooke and I. I hate to seem faithless,  but I dont believe the child I am holding is going to make it's full term, and its not as if I have his father's full support. I mean honestly, he was more excited telling me where Travis paid his cell phone bill, rather than the doctor's appointment or focus on getting health insurance. With this being said... since Thursday, I've been more involved in the University of Memphis's School Of Business... I'm thinking about enrolling part time there and doing full time at Cricket so I can get a bachelor's while moving into a house... every nurse, and physician I see is telling me I'm loosing this baby due to stress. If only they knew what I was stressing about. But then again, I can only blame myself for staying here. I know its because I love him. But with what he is doing... it wont be long before I have love for him.
Strangely,  Ebbi texted me the other night telling me about her slutty friend who is most likely sleeping with her boyfriend. I told her I could handle worrying if Dennis is sleeping with a woman... lucky her... she asked me how to get over him... this is what I texted her:
"Let him go... you dont have to do it now... just start drawing your attention towards something else... start a hobby that takes up most of your time where you distract yourself but make money... and go shopping for things that make you feel better... you'll start attracting others and forget about him..."
Its working for her... well sort of... her new hobby is taking care of the friend who she accuse is sleeping with Chris, her boyfriend. I'm sure this will work itself out... but she is Ebbi's distraction. I plan to do the same, but with College and Cricket ... I think that will workout easier, and hopefully Dennis will catch on and leave me... honestly, I love him always as though there is no tomorrow,  but I love Brooke, Embryo (the unborn child's name until something happens), and myself as though there are no Heaven and Earth... and I believe we deserve true love. Not a love that will be a "survival face" until he finally feels comfortable with whatever he decides.

By The Way, have you ever listened to classical... you should, and your first artist should be Andreas M. Wolter... Amazing... this is better than any pop or house music I have ever listened to... its like, it takes you away from what's going on, you can't help but drown into your imagination, and leave your surroundings, and if you are like me, that can't come any easier and faster.

Good Night You Guys

Just As Well As You Gain

You'll loose... I truly believe, only women will understand, and respect these wise words... I can't understand how I am miscarriaging. Atleast thats what I'm telling everyone else... inside, I blame Dennis for all the stress, but really? I'm still here, if I would have left... I would be in a room with familiar faces and two children... Which is worst? The fact that I dont take responsibility, or the fact that I blame another person?

New Year, New Day, Same Problems

Happy new year, right. Relationships are so fucking confusing. I dont understand how men can say women are indifferent. You know what I say to that, "All men can be gay for all I care, so they can go fuck themselves,  Ugh!!!!" How is it possible that in the mist of a beautiful process, you can be so ugly and inconsiderate.

This is why I'm pissed... I called my mom so Dennis could talk to her... meet her, and basically give her that comfort that "Hey, I love your daughter, we're having a baby, and I plan to build a family with her". No obviously thats too hard for this fucking genius. He got so upset because I "put him on the spot"... I considered the fact that we just discussed "what if" something goes wrong... who to call and speak to. If he called my mom, she wouldnt know who he was or why I was with him and send out a series of panics and prayers. I just want my family to see him in the light that I see him... but why does he keep flicking the fucking light switch when they are around... asshole