New State, New City, New Year Baby?

Happy New Year!

Arw you excited?! Im lookinh forward to this new year, 2014. Partially because I'm pregnant. Thats right, Dennis and I are expecting a baby (hopefully a boy)! I'm excited, scared, and moody. You know... could this explain my previous blogs, maybe, but I am only a human caring another human. So right now, Dennis is blasting "Gin n' Juice" by Snoop Dog (lion) ... have you heard?.... and we're dancing and recaping on this past year, and planning on tomorrow.... you know next year lol. It felt so awesome to plan on how we are going to raise Brooke, Dalayna, Arianna, and Christian... yea we aren't having no more babies because I feel as though five kids will be just fine.
Speaking of kids, I spoke to Brooke and she is overly excited about her new siblings,  and the arrival of her new baby sibling.

Well, I'm bringing in the new year with love and longing... what about you

Who Wants To Run A Bath House?

Wow... so to prove to Dennis, his bestfriend is gay, I start a conversation about bath houses. Would you believe Travis burst out "Lets run a bath house!" I grin and say, "Yea, you and Dennis should run the bath house". Dennis yells, "I'm not running a bath house."
"Sure you're not Dennis." I grinned in my head. Honestly, every time I say something negative about Travis, Dennis gets offensive. Now that I'm watching them while we chill since their first day on the boat job didn't go as planned, I see really weird shit. For example, while Dennis walked to the dresser, Travis watched him from ankles to ass. Back and forth... back and forth... Dennis denies everything, but I'm starting to think he likes it... I mean, Travis and Dennis shares a hobby... and Travis gets free stuff for their hobby, so I think Dennis likes getting the free stuff. Damn... my boyfriend's bestie wants to run a bath house. What does that say about my boyfriend?

"If you (men) ever shared a moment with another man that involved ya'll sharing an orgasm, you're gay!"
                                                     - Comedian

Whoa Dixion

Was Christmas merry for you? It was decent for myself. I didnt get to talk to Mamas, but I did call. Granny obviously was still sleep because all she could do was mumble. Also he church across the street, and I literally mean across the street, gave us a gift basket of eggs, rice, vegetables, and tomatoe sauce. It later on came in handy. I am going to thank them Sunday.  I just have to go into their church.
My Christmas eve started rocky. Dennis was trying to dumb down the holidays, and I got emotional and went to sleep. When I woke up, Dennis was sitting at the edge of the bed researching the appropriate way to make the holiday brownies I was so admitted about. I guess he saw opposing the idea was selfish, especially when I didn't ask him for nothing but his time, and due to him being off on both Christmas eve and Christmas,  what excuse do he really have. The first time he "helped" he destroyed $60 worth of merchandise.  I must have lost my mind because he then had the nerve to blame me. After two hours, he apologized and promised to make it up. I bought more ingredients and kissed him to show I accept his apology.  We are learning how to agree without the great dramatics. He wants to say its because I'm learning how to control my emotions, I say its because he's learning he's not invincible. Either way, forgiveness is coming easier.
Obviously, the Christmas lesson was forgiveness,  I can't wait for New Years.

Merry Christmas?

So Christmas is next Wednesday,  and Dennis has yet to purchase his kids something. Oh and I fail to mention I tried to give him some money to buy them something but, he doesnt want my help. To be exact, he doesnt want me with him when he purchases the gifts... I guess, I feel like shit. This means he doesn't want me to participate in anything involving his kids. I personally feel like shit because I want to be apart of the most important yhings in his life, but his stubbornness takes up mosy of the room in his heart. How do you heal stubbornness?
Last night was surreal... not really. So dennis noticed my distance last night, and began to listen to lauryn hill... I gave him small advice, " bae, why dont you turn off the tv and lights, and play jill scott"... how did he reply, "no, I'm watching dexter and listening to lauryn hill"... I turned towards my boyfriend, "white wall" while laying in the bed and thought to myself, "yea... this relationship is one way"... but dennis surprised me, ten minutes later, he turned off the lights, played a beautiful, soulful playlist of jill scott, and I pretty much kissed his body... too bad I threw up on him.

So Dennis and travis just came back. Ebony was super pissed that travis left and said he did all sorts of fucked up shit, including telling her to have her baby daddy watch her daughter... let me mention he claims this child as if she is the holy grail, more like demon spawn. Anyway, she said he said that selfish comment, and all the while she's pumping herself up, I had to leave her room. So she leaves with her daughter and asks me to give travis their key to the door. She also left with a message for travis " I just left"... so I relayed the message... "she just left" When Travis and Dennis got back, Travis had a pink bike for ebony's daughter... Did he say "tell her daddy to watch her" ... Idk, I won't put shit passed a man... especially a little boy in a grown man's body. She's... well their relationship is very negative. Its influence is strong and very uncomfortable. When I chill with her, I began to compare dennis and travis, then it leads to this big argument between me and dennis. Atleast I was trying to say dennis was picking up travis habbits... this idiot told me that he was this way before he met travis... I looked at him with disgust. Now I understand why he takes up for Travis all the time. They are similar, alike, of the same characteristics. I see all his selfishness and wont leave... but I am selfish... wouldnt it make me more selfish to leave in the mist of him getting his life together. Take away my Toyota, and make him ride with Mata, hold my money, lay against the only thing that holds me at night, cool white walls and ... and who am I hurting? No one but myself. At the end of the day, he will possibly find another way to work, someone else to sleep with, and make his own money. I will be emotionally distraught,  while he won't remember me.  The best payback to an ex is success.

For Better Or For Worse

So, I have a huge fear of being alone. Thats why I hate choosing men, its like they can see my fear, or it could be the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeves. Either way, he is clearly taking advantage. Im so ready to move on, but I dont want him to think I'm giving up. I just feel used. I mean, like now, he wants my attention, he wants to know why I'm so quiet. It started when he came home from work, he walked right past me like I was invisible. I asked for a kiss and he pecked my lips, then began to complain. I cooked, and cleaned, but I mean honestly,  where we stay is so small, the cleaning only takes an hour... and thats spring cleaning. So with that being said..  I expected conversation and romance, or atleast cuddling... he's tired, I'm tired, cuddling was suppose to workout. No, instead, I was off to the center. Once I got to the center, as soon as I got out my car, the idiot that was in the street while I was turning told me how beautiful I am, and asked if he could call me. Instantly I thought, "why cant dennis see my value". Of course I told the idiot no, but deep down, I enjoyed the compliment. I'm starting to understand why my mom cheated. I bet Claude didnt compliment her, I nevwr remember him kissing her randomly.
I clearly love Dennis, I've given up everything, sadly, I ... left the only person who unconditionally loves me, so I could build a home here. She deserves the best, and I can find it here... here in Memphis Tennessee.  I just need the confidence to walk away. I need to remember how cold the bed was alone... not cold, but cool, like the other side of my pillow.
I havent called her... or granny. And I only answered my mama's call because we're both the same and she can feel when I'm hurting. Strangely, she knows somethings' wrong, but she isnt pushing it to find out. Its like, I know my mama has been down this road and I committed to not being with someone like Claude,  her husband.  He and I never got along, so she chose him... I vowed to never choose a man over my own... but I did... I chose dennis...

I'm not her... I dont wanna be her... I'm building, renovating my life to be a suitable parent..  but for some reason, I feel as though I was doing fine in Houston... before I left Ebbi...

To Be Continued...

Welcome To Circus De Mind

Last night I went to sleep heart broken and restless, but this morning... I woke up hopeful. Then we had sex... but it was different... is it me? Maybe, but I dont feel regretful, I feel, ambitious.  Ambitious about buying that dream house, in my neighborhood where my neighbors wave good morning, where grass grows tall, trees give shade, and streets are paved with opportunity... this may not be in Memphis,  but its some where near here. I mean, why else would God lead me here.

This week's world
LOGIC

Ebbi and I came up with this word