#TinyWin1

Finding the answers through research without bothering your boss

Admire69

Have you ever admire someone from a far?
Couldnt make sense why you wouldnt raise your own bar?
Feeling intimadated because you never met a man so passionate
So you play it koo, hoping he approach or bump you on accident
He doesnt speak with his words, but his actions
Feeling threatened because another could come snatch him
Day dreaming about saying the right  words
And pairing them with rhythm in your reckless curves
Until you wake up from such serenity
And realize its not the words he looks, for its the King in me

Elephant In The Room

Sometimes, I want to confront... my family and say im not apart of them; tell them I never was and never will be. Im not going to lie, I do get lonely. I want the support, understanding and unconditional love promised and dedicated to me as a child. I tend to think, sometimes it would be best that I leave and never come back, stay out of Mamas' life so that I dont confuse her and her emotions, or destroy any other hope and trust left in her heart. A thousand times I thought of ways to fake my death so that she could move on and not ever be interrupted by my presence,  but one day... one day she will want to know why I hid in the shadows; why I left and allowed her Aunties and Granny raise her. I never fit in... and my opinions never mattered; my money was never good enough, taste expensive enough, and action pure enough. Im not an Alpough, Roach, or Howard. And although all this may be true, im proud not to be. Im proud to be strange, unexplained,  and misunderstood. When she is confused at heart, I can say I understand and when her heart is not broken, but shattered, and the decisions she made seems disgusting,  I can say I've truly been there. When everyone not only turn their backs, run their lips, and fold their welcomed arms, I want to be there to say I am here. Because im Brooke's mommy, and no matter the rumors, empty prayer commitments,  and brown noses, I will be there when she needs me the most; not always when she wants me the most.

Reality v.s Wishful Thinking

Things are becoming difficult. I dont have any money, appropriate clothes, and patience. Well, my patience is lasting, but as for money and clothes... im dying here. I need to get a job, but its difficult with the options I have. I could go to Dress for Success. They are generous when it comes to clothes and may be able to direct me towards the light of employment. There are plenty of jobs in Houston, I just need the resources to get them. Here's a list of things I'm working towards;
Transportation- I dont mind riding the bus, I just need bus fare without asking my grandmother. Receiving her help entitles her to talk to me and Brooke with disrespect. My plan to conquer this issue is, charities and workforce solution centers, I might do better with charities.
Clothes/Shoes- Dress for Success seems like my best option. I know I have to go by appointment, so I plan to set that up for next week.
Hair- This natural kick isn't for the poor, I need a perm and/or weave...

Now that I know what I need, its time to execute...

Irritating Morning

Im so irritated for no reason. I think its because im... wanting ... I wanna have sex. I dont want to use the internet, men that approach me are ... not my type, and my type are... usually a undercover. Terrible?  I know... but thats why condoms are inforced. Casual sex seems suitable. One person who I occasionally contact for affection.
Besides that issue, I need my own space. I want to be able to close my eyes and relax... im trying to get use to having #METIME for two hours before I get sleepy.
Working for Mrs. Duckens, formerly known as Mrs. Brown, is slow. On top of that im not getting paid for months from now probably. She hasn't received her grant for service and operations. On top of that, I feel as though I will have to kiss Mr. Duckens ass to keep my job. Last time she said he wouldnt really be involved, but he was at the building torturing the adolescent clients through his witching aged, bullfrog built daughter, gossip stirring granddaughter, and demon founded repeat of the bible scriptures. I prefer not ever seeing that man for as long as I work, or be mentored by Mrs. Duckens.

I Can Take Care Of You Baby

Old horny men disgust me. On the way home from writing my appeal, I met the father of Marco... this dude was the finest man walking to me. Unfortunately, I was invisible to him. He hung out with Kierra'em so I was pretty much finding my own friends. Anyway, long story short. He was shot by this really quiet guy who, to my understanding, did it out of desperation and drugs. That was about... eight years ago.
On the way home, I was hit on by Marco's dad, Marco Anthony... I forgot his last name, but apparently Marco was a junior, so that's how I'm going to separate the two. Now Big Marco, explained to me how he slept with Shunteria (Surprised... not really), some chic that was Brooke's cheerleading teacher, my Aunt Debbie (Surprised... not really), and some dude name Nat, wife. He boasted how he paid bills, did favors, all for sexual favors... a trick... he was proud to be a trick. I kept trying to keep the conversation on his son and how great he was... but he was insisting on sleeping with me... the guy made me sick... riding the bus and running into men like this is overwhelming... I would like to be able to stay focus without the temptation... honestly,  the temptation isn't the men, its the money. I know if I use the men I can be on my feet in no time. But ... the baggage of all the lies and manipulation... its not worth it. I want to start saying I'm gay, but your tongue speak life and death, and God knows my heart is weak. I am becoming colder to men though. Its as if Dennis's abuse and negligence made me realize being alone an't so bad, and best of all, it froze my heart from allowing anymore lies and other manipulation to enter. So old man Marco, Brandon, and Ellis just waste their time... I don't have anymore room to give a man, just enough to take.

2+2=2

Teaching my duaghter Math isn't hard, its teaching her in my grandmother's presence. She feels as though tutoring for ten minutes is enough. Tutor in elementary is thirty minutes a day. The worst part, my grandmother agreed to thirty minutes. Its very frustrating because Brooke is fully capable of learning lessons in thirty minutes. This could be an awesome routine to start. Tomorrow, I plan to take her into her room without the tv on, and practicing her addition for thirty minutes. My grandmother can stay in the living with her tv and have no reason to disrupt us. If she has advice, she can wait for us to take a break after fifteen minutes and tell me what she thinks.
I am trying to raise Brooke without disrespecting my grandmother's wishes, but damn its hard. Yesterday, she told Brooke to shut up and I asked her not to. I reminded her that she never hears me tell Brooke shut up because it is disrespectful. She replies, "Well, she disrespected me". I reminded her that's why discipline should be in forced. She got even more upset and said putting Brooke in the corner was abusive. I told my grandmother the corner us best to not use spanking tactics. I explained that I rather her go to the corner for five minutes, then explain to me why she went to corner and why its not safe, respectful or has bad consequences. After I try the corner, and if she is still hard headed, spanking her on her butt with my hand is the next step.
No I don't believe I am a perfect parent, but I am learning. I'm sure these tactics wont always work and I will have to consult with counselors for healthier tactics when she is a preteen-teenager. God have mercy on me...